From Wally: Cuz I look out for you like Mo never will...

It's cold. The floors are cold, the house is cold, my food is cold, my water is cold, everything's cold.

But I have figured something out. You need to learn this!!! I mean it! Really! Really!

You see that buttony thing...IT MAKES THE BED WARM!!!! You tappy tappy on those buttons and in a few minutes (enough time to go grab a snack and potty), THE BED IS WARM!!

Then, if you are lucky (and I am) and your mom or dad has added the softest, squashiest blanket ever to the bed, you can totes bliss out for forever. or all day. or until you get hungry. whatevs.

I tell ya, man, I am livin-the-life. Mom loves me, feeds me cheese, puts the best blankie ever on the bed and stuff. This is great. Now if mom could get Mo and Tus to stop fighting...

Desk Prank that doesn't involve me...

Who knew? The mom has an assistant. He helps her 'work', whatever that is. He is not really HER assistant as much as he 'makes her life easier while running her department'. 

Honestly, I don't understand half the crap that comes out her mouth. It's all blahblahblah and I ignore it until I hear the words wet and food be strung together. Really, nothing else is important.

So anyway, a little while back, her 'assistant' went away for 'training' and was gone for like 2 weeks or 5 year or something. However long it was, in my opinion, it was way too long to voluntarily be away from my bunny and my socks so I would never do it. Beans are so freaky sometimes.

The mom and her people at 'work' decided that they were going to have fun with the 'assistant's' desk.They had a great deal of fun playing on his desk and would tease him with small details. And laugh and laugh and laugh. The last day before he came back, they took pictures and undid all the playing. And then refused to show him the pictures.

I am rubbing off on the mom, aren't I?

So the mom decided to let me post the pictures. I didn't want to but it was this or let her rub my belly.

NO ONE RUBS MY BELLY.

So, from the mom to her 'assistant:

The overall damage to the desk.

There was a new height requirement for his desk.

 

We created a new world map.

The green army and their battle triceratops attacked the blue army from the west.

On the eastern front, the red and gray armies fought for control of the main desk.

The keyboard was glitter bombed.

Ever increasingly embarrassing bodily mishaps were posted as his excuses for absences.

Sexy Putin watches over all.

The red army's air assault, which included brightly colored fighter jets.

A good overview of the eastern and western battle fronts. Includes a functional wooden helicopter.

His picture was posted all over the office.

Hey, Mr. Fancy Assistant Man:

If you are supposed to be 'making her life easier' how come I have never seen you? I mean, I am the most important thing in her life. Without me, she would just sit and stair at the walls or a book or something. You need to be focusing on me a bit more. The wet food is not going to plate itself up, you know. Salmon and tuna do not magically appear for my dinner. The litter boxes can always use a bit of attention. The stupid red dot seem to be lost and needs to be rounded up so I can chase it. If all else fails, remember this: Shrimp.

Get to it.

Just sayin.

Had to Go to the Doctor

I know.

Mom is of the opinion that I am too evil to ever really get sick. She might be right. However, that did not keep her from shoving me and the girl and the gimp into our prisons and hauling us into the doctor this morning. Hauling. Kicking and Screaming. Well, less kick and a lot more scream, actually. And the girl freak the shit out in the car. No. Really. She did.

She freaked out so bad she let loose everything in her bladder. Onto the cushion in the prison.

Dude, I got it on my feet.

Then while we were in the doctor's office, this really big slobbery hell-hound came up and SNIFFED ME. Well, the girl let loose her bladder AGAIN.

I am not happy. At All. And still have not even seen the doctor.

All I have to say is that my doctor is the coolest doctor ever. If you have to have a doctor, he is the one to have. He really listens to a dude, you know. When we finally get in the exam room and he looks us over, I let him know how I felt. And he was cool with that. He listened. He still stabbed me with a couple of needles but that's what doctors do. But he listened. And just to make sure he heard me real good, he used his weird ear-bud thing and stuck it to my chest. He and mom joked about me being possessed by something and laughed, which was not cool at all, mom, and the doc noted that I have gained a half a pound. I am a hefty 10 pounds of all-beef cat. Mom says the extra half pound is the demon that is possessing me. Whatever. Nobody owns me.

After shots and discussions, we were unceremoniously shoved back into our prisons (minus the pee-drenched padding) and shoved back into the car. At which time, the girl emptied all of the poop in her body into our shared prison. Let me tell you, I would have gladly shared the small prison with the gimp to get away from that. Nasty girls. And you better believe I told Mom all about it as we drove home. Did she let me change prisons? NO. Not cool, Mom, not cool.

I am back at home now. Guilted Mom into giving us wet mushy food for lunch because all of our hineys are going to be sore for a day or so. She left to go where ever it is she goes to EVERY DAY
and we are home.

This has sucked. Don't wanna do this again.

Just to show I can be nice, here is a picture of me and Mom watching Big Bang Theory. Mom and I love that show.
Yeah, mom is there. Right there. Under my rump.

And for all of you gimp fans out there:What a dork.

She. Pushed. ME!

So mom is just sitting there, playin' on the Puter and doin' whatever it is she should not be doin'. You know what she should be doin'?????Do You???? She should be cleaning the litter boxes. Because they are dirty and I am delicate and I want them clean. But she is just sittin' there.

So I go and sit near her feet on the big smooshy thing she always put her feet up on and began blatantly taking a bath. Can't get a more obvious message. I keep stoppin' and lookin' at her. Come on WOMAN figure it out!

She is ignoring me. ME! ME? Ignore ME? Huh.

So I kicked her. With both my back feet. Left scratches.

Did she appreciate the gentle nudge???

No.

She kicked me off the foot-resty-place. NO NO NO she just pushed me off, I am not hurt, BUT THE INDIGNITY OF IT ALL. The runt gets to sleep by her head on the back of the chair, I can't take a bath by her feet? oh and remind her of the things she NEEDS to be doin?

Whatever.

Snow day. meh.

It snowed. It was interesting until Mommy brought some in on her shoes. Then I was over it.

Snow.
It's cold.
It's wet.
Not my kind of thing at all.

On the upside, mom opened a can of mackerel for us and we stank up the house in horrible new ways. It's always fun to watch Mommy cough up a hairball while trying to feed me (and the other two). Oh and Mommy gets to stay home with us today instead of leaving and being gone THE WHOLE DAY!!!

Just a little gift to all of you who adore me:

Hey. How YOU doin?

Honest to GOD: There is a ferret in the house!

Mom brought it home for us because she was away for YEARS seeing Grampa and Aunt Vanessa. It is a stupid ferret attached to a rolling ball. Mom put a battery in it and it has been rolling along around the house for about 4 hours now and we have lots track of it. Don't know where it is. Can't hear it, can't see it...lost it. We (me, the runt and the girl) thought it was interesting for a while and now we just don't care. And we just let it go where ever it wanted.

Hopefully it will show up soon.

Or else it will scare the poop out of mom during the night.

Oh and Hi, Aunt Vanessa!!!! Welcome Home!!!

And Happy Birthday, Grampa!!!!

Aunt Vanessa's home!!!! YAY!!!! She isn't in the bad place anymore!!!! Mom is going to see her....wait...ummm...Aunt Vanessa lives a way long way away and Mom is going to see Grampa and I have made that trip and he lives forever away...MOM IS LEAVING US!!!!

NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Please, Mom, don't leave us! mumblemumblemumblemumble

Oh. Okay. mumblemumblemumblemumble

Mom is only going for a few days. She is coming home and she might bring us a new scratchy thing.

Love you, Aunt Vanessa. Love you, Gramma and Grampa. but I am not willing to ride in the car long enough to see you.